I am a middle school teacher. Our lives as teachers are models, whether we want them to be or not. The children notice everything about us. They even notice the things we don't notice about ourselves. Their gaze is like cold, clear water that washes away the self-created fictions of adults and bares us for exactly who we are. They assess us from eaves to foundation. It can be soul-crushing, as anyone who has been on the receiving end of a 13-year old girl's sarcasm knows. The only defense that I have found is to live my life exactly as the person I would like to be. Which is easier said than done, but a worthwhile aspiration nonetheless.

And what other choice to we have, really?

Each year, I notice the same pattern in the children. It is almost a dance at this point -- the moves are predictable and the timing has settled into a steady pace. I wonder if the pace is set by the children's development, or my teaching pace, or the natural rhythms of middle school.

The children come to me in August telling me that ethics are synonymous with loserdom. They act as though kindness is a weakness, and that caring for others will only reveal vulnerability. When faced with a moral decision they don't want to discuss it. They want to  know what the consequences are, and move on. Preferably quickly, so that they can get to their next class in time to gossip a little before the bell rings.

By December, they have warmed somewhat. They are willing to take a risk and show empathy within the confines of my classroom. They may seek me out for a private talk to discuss a big decision. They ask deeply moral questions in the context of literature circles or social studies readings, masking their moral seeking with academic language.

February and March is when they come alive. I think that the long winter makes them stir crazy and gives them lots of time to think. This is when the leaders emerge, the ones who will go out in the halls and declare "we should leave that girl alone, she might be going through something awful that we don't know about" or "I am going to tell the truth, I don't care what you think." It only takes a couple of these leaders for the followers to gain their feet.

In April and May we all love each other, and we aren't ashamed of it any more.

The glory, and the gift that I would give the children, is that I can start back up in August loving them all and not being ashamed of it. I wonder what it would take for that to be the norm in middle school.