I remember my summer at Pendle Hill vividly. I remember the beautiful scenery and the even more beautiful people. I remember when I first really felt in the Presence of G-d. It was a wonderful time in my spiritual life and I enjoyed every minute of it.

However, I have noticed that with every beautifully intense spiritual moment of growth I experience, I am also deeply deeply disturbed at the very core of my being. While I was at Pendle Hill, I was disturbed by the realization that my life is not completely my own. It was no longer enough to plan a quiet life on top of an isolated mountain with a partner/pets in order to feel closer to G-d. I may have to sacrifice a lot of my comforts for other human beings. I don't think this realization is anything new in the Quaker community. We have quite a history of sacrificing our safety, comfort, body, etc. to help other human beings. I kept those histories in mind whenever I would feel that spiritual growth/deep disturbance at the core of my being. And it used to work like a charm.

That is, it worked until I went to Israel last December. I was incredibly blessed to be able to travel to Israel with a class and receive academic credit for it. We were granted about 3-4 days where we could explore Jerusalem and visit as many holy sites as we could fit in. While I wasn't expecting any epiphany while in Israel, I did feel the Spirit at the Western Wall. Considering that the Wall was one of the first holy sites we visited, I think I expected on some level to experience more of the Divine Presence at the other holy sites.When we visited the Garden of Gethsemane and the Church of Holy Sepulchre, I waited to be taken back by the beauty and the devotion.

I felt nothing. In fact, I felt worse than nothing...I felt bored and indifferent. This deeply disturbed me for quite some time afterward. I chided myself for expecting the Presence simply because I was at a holy site. In the years past, I have played tag with small children and still felt the Presence. I repeatedly asked myself why I was so bothered that day. I think I may have found an answer.

Although G-d's Presence is/was certainly a focus for me, it is religion with which I am struggling. I would hate to repeat the same cliché that so many have shouted before me: "I'M SPIRITUAL, NOT RELIGIOUS". And I'm not even sure if that would apply to me. After all, I consider myself a part of the Religious Society of Friends. I think my experience in Israel pointed to a larger religious issue that I had been trying to bury deep inside of myself: I don't believe that I can consider myself a Christian by today's standards. I used to believe that I could still consider myself a Christian even if I didn't hold the same beliefs as Orthodox Christianity. I still hold this to be true for other people. It just won't work for me anymore.

The best way for me to explain my views on Jesus would be to use a metaphor I heard while at Pendle Hill. Carl Magruder described the SPICES testimonies as the hand that points to G-d. In this sense, they are not the Ultimate but point us in a direct where we can experience G-d more fully. I see Jesus as such. I do not think that Jesus was G-d incarnate nor do I believe that he died for my sins. However, I don't see Jesus as merely a really cool teacher either. I do believe that Jesus was an extraordinary mystic who had a deep and wonderfully intimate relationship with G-d. Whenever I read and reflect on the Bible, I see Jesus as a model for what we are all called to be in the Presence of G-d. With this all in mind, I understand why many contemporary Christians would perceive my views on Jesus as heretical and anti-Christian.

I am still figuring out how this view of Jesus will interact with my Quaker identity. I know that I am still very welcome in the Quaker community, but I still have to figure out how this new realization will alter my view of my personal brand of Quakerism.