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Primitive Christianity Revived, Again

Jersualem Gazette

The Bug eater has been captured! That's right folks . . . the residents of Jerusalem can rest at peace now and go back to studying the Torah and taking their animals to the high priest as a sacrifice to appease an angry God. So . . . enough . . . of this bug eaters talk about "all flesh being saved by God" we know that God loves only us . . . and all others are lost. It's just not in the Torah.

Herod (the fox) has pulled off a fast one. A brilliant plan was concocted, by the sagacious one . . . Our sources tell us . . . that Herod sent his private stallion to the Bug eater as a gift . . . to be used at his discretion. The bug eater was toyed into thinking that his big break for stardom had come at long last. The only problem was . . . the Bug eater didn't know how to ride . . . and had ran out of hay in just a few sabbaths . . . and to top it all off . . . the Romans found out about this and came to the Bug eater for their share of taxes . . . on his new set of hoofs.

Well . . . the bug eater checked his girdle . . . and had no coins. So he rode up to the King's palace expecting to lobby the king for some relief. The King and the bug eater had a great visit . . . feasting . . . and talking about this new plan of God . . . until the King's wife dropped in to borrow the King's accountant . . . cause she was going on a shopping spree to Egypt . . . to buy some plain necessities . The bug eater was enthralled by her beauty . . . thinking she was the King's daughter.

And when the King explained to the bug eater . . . she was his wife. The bug eater . . . who just got a vision of the whole thing . . . pointed a bony phalange at the King and with a bug leg dangling from the corner of his beard said "it's your brothers wife" . . . well . . . the King had a mouth full of KFC (kosher fried chicken) at that time and spued chunks of KFC about six cubits . . . the (Mrs.) tigress was let out of her cage . . . and she demanded the King slay the bug eater on the very spot. However . . . the King being the kind and wonderful man that he is . . . just allowed the bug eater to retire in the local debtors house for the time being.

Another heretic was given enough assets to destroy himself.

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Comment by Forrest Curo on 3rd mo. 27, 2011 at 12:16pm: I kiddest thee not, there was no religious objection per se to anyone living in the desert and eating locusts, which were kosher, nutritious, and available.

Hanging out at the Jordan... and having people swim in it. If you forget the Christian notions of "cleaning yourself in a generic holy river" and think about why the first Israelites crossed that river: to take freedom for themselves along with a chunk of pagans' land-- Then this has a political dimension that Herod, the Romans, and their appointed High Priest are all likely to disapprove.

So this was, all along and not subtly so, one of those protest movements you've found so distasteful lately.

Herod did make a religious booboo in thinking that marrying his brother's wife (with her more acceptable dynastic connections) would be a Good Political Move, somehow missing the point that his brother was supposed to be dead first (and that any resulting kids would then be his brother's). John did not miss the distinction, and that was ample motive for Herod rounding him up.

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