I would like to respond to the controversy over the Expectations for Community guidelines in place for the upcoming 2010 Young Adult Friends Gathering in Wichita, Kansas. Before I begin, let me say that had I not experienced negative and destructive behavior firsthand at similar gatherings, I would be somewhat reluctant to support one or two of these guidelines myself. However, speaking from experience, I believe these sorts of rules are necessary to maintain the stability and general health of the entire event. I have a copy of these parameters in front of me as I write this post and would like to take the opportunity to respond to several of them in some detail.

We will not let sexuality disrupt, distract, or divide us.

When I was a member of another faith group, young adults across the country, as well as from Canada and the UK, met every year at a large national conference. A few rudimentary rules existed for that gathering, but with enough regrettable documented incidents it was determined that they simply didn't go far enough. They were notorious for fostering hook-ups and what were regularly deemed "con flings". Some attenders literally showed up every year knowing that they were going to go to bed with someone. I admit openly that while that wasn't necessarily the reason I attended, I did nonetheless seek out and attain sexual partners during the gathering. Without going into too much detail, I will say that drama was frequently present if sexual partners fell out with each other during the middle of the event, which often introduced a degree of toxicity into the proceedings. After having attended a gathering twice before and gotten to know people on a familiar basis, I was then able to make a mental note of just how many of the regular attenders had slept with each other. The degrees of separation were minuscule. I would never consider myself a prude, but I simply think organizational structures work better when everyone doesn't have a sexual history with each other.

We will dress modestly. This means not wearing tank tops, sleeveless or low cut dresses or tops, midriffs showing, skirts or shorts above mid thigh, bikinis, speedos, or bare chests.

This rule in particular really contrasts where I have come from in my spiritual journey versus where I am now above any other. One con I went to as a member of another faith group even had a "clothing optional" beach, a clever euphemism if ever there was one. I think if the Kansas gathering included only Liberal Unprogrammed Friends that this rule might not need to go as far as it does, but I am aware that more conservative Friends would be uncomfortable without these sort of parameters in place. I can only imagine their response to a Friendly "clothing optional" beach.

We will speak to each other in ways that glorify God.

I have the scars to prove what happens when hatred and divisiveness enters the equation. In my own experience, I have observed the destructiveness that occurs, for example, when minority groups are taken for granted. One such conference got off to an awful start literally at the very beginning. At the airport, having just flown in, one participant, a Caucasian, automatically assumed that an African-American (and one of the leaders, no less) assisting with transportation to the con was her own personal bellhop, instructing her to pick up her bags. As you might guess, this didn't exactly go over well and it cast a pallor over the entire ten days of the event--one that only increased in scale. As I picture the idea of the Body of Christ I see a rich pallet of gatherers from all walks of life and that gathering, as I see it, should be a respite from the sins of the world.

We will abstain from alcohol and other intoxicants, wherever we are, for the duration of our time together.

Speaking again about my past, some large controversy did occur when it was discovered that clandestine marijuana usage had been present during the gathering. It was never visibly flaunted out in the open, but those in the know were aware of where they needed to go to find it. When, months later, well after the event had concluded, I casually mentioned this to a fellow young adult, it caused a huge drama storm on an online discussion board. Many claimed that their safe space had been violated and talked about instances in their own lives where past addiction or past addictive behaviors by former relationships partners and/or family members had proved to be exceptionally traumatic in their own lives. It's best not to even open that can of worms.
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I recognize the difficulty of bringing together a group of people with wildly divergent beliefs. We are all Friends, but we are also very different. My own life is full of such challenges. For example, my father and I have never agreed about much. He is very conservative on certain issues and often votes Republican. I am a liberal Democrat. Yet, I know that if I'm ever in a bind he'll be the first person to help me out as best he can. Though we may never see eye to eye, there is still much love present between the two of us and I know I can count on that from him until his dying day. If I were able to attend this gathering, I know I would bring with me learned strategies and applied knowledge from my own life in an effort to find intersectionality and common ground. If we are to reform this broken world, I believe this is something each of us must do in our own way.