I write again about the best way a contentious situation in a Meeting might be resolved. It's easier to use myself as an example. Below is one way that Meeting concerns might best be resolved, concerns best put aside as responsibly as possible, with a minimum of hurt feelings and confusion. To wit, it has become known to me that my old Meeting for Worship has sought to use my example in forthcoming scheduled programming. What follows is raw and very real to me. This is a painful write, but I want to prevent mistakes and oversights like these from being made in the future.

Workshops have been proposed and experts hired to discuss the issue of how to best set boundaries with other people. In addition to being a bureaucratic resolution to what would seem to be an instinctual issue, it presumes that Friends otherwise have no human understanding of how to react proactively and with any success to people in need. Furthermore, this training implies that they lack even a basic comprehension (read the comment below) of easy-to-understand and frankly common sense compassionate responses. In this alternate reality, confrontation for any reason must always result badly, and thus it should be avoided like the Black Death. That is, of course, until it cannot be pushed aside any longer.

The problem with placing the onus on others to confront boundaries themselves is that the approach is defensive rather than proactive. A better way would involve everyone and it would not be one-sided.

So once more, Friends, here's a much better way to handle delicate situations. This is what it takes to resolve a concern in a spirit of true love and compassion. I will use this analogy once and only once. As straightforward a path as this may seem, a responsible and adult resolution was not undertaken in this circumstance. Therein lies the problem. As I said, it pains me to write this, but I honestly think it needs to be said. I won't tarry here long, I promise.

Elder: Friend, I speak on behalf of the Meeting's Healing and Reconciliation committee. Frankly, we're concerned about you.

Other people have raised the same concerns with us. Is there something going on in your life that you would mind sharing?

Me: I appreciate your desire to reach out to me. It's complicated, but I really must come clean. Let me try my best to explain my current state of affairs. You see, for the past several months I've been engaged in intensive trauma therapy. Though necessary, it is extremely painful to undergo and it's left me without defenses. I'm emotionally vulnerable.

I've been desperately seeking a life raft to pull me out of the ocean. I can understand why the approach would be troublesome for many. Honestly, when I'm in this much emotional turbulence, I really can't control my fears. Some of the time I don't even realize what I've done. At times I have had fears of abandonment that have taken forms that were easily misinterpreted. In trying to make a problem better, I've made it worse.

But rest assured that this will not last forever. I would be glad to meet with the people in the Meeting that I've upset. Please pass along my regrets. If I were in their shoes, I know it might seem odd and off-putting if someone I didn't know well (or really at all) was asking in such desperate terms for help. I needed guidance and I received absolutely nothing. 

Elder: We'd like you to agree to speak to these people in person. Do you have any reservations with such an approach?

Me: I do not. I'm very glad that Healing and Reconciliation is being proactive about this matter. I came across a Meeting in my travels that went a full five years before it could dare to approach a Friend who, for reasons similar to my own, had upset several people. Passing the buck like that means that there is no Meeting accountability and it allows behaviors like these to go unchecked and unchallenged. Without indication that something is wrong, few people receive the feedback they need. Without information, there is only misunderstanding.

Elder: And this is exactly the reason why we're talking to you today. You've done quite a bit for our Meeting, and we're very glad to have you present. For those of us who know you, your behavior seems very out of character. We've spoken directly with the people you contacted, and assured them that you were likely unwell. You have talked often about having a chronic illness, and we've gotten to know you well enough to recognize when depression and physical illness overtakes you. It is as much for your sake that we contact you as for theirs.

Me: I'm also not proud of many of the things I said in anger, either. Anger is the flip side of the same coin. But it is good of you to know how to separate illness from who I am as a human being, a child of God. This Meeting has many virtues. I appreciate how easily and willingly you embrace community, going as far to greet every visitor personally, always making them feel welcome. Some Meetings won't go out of the way to acknowledge anyone aside from the people they've always known and chatted with for years.

Elder: And that makes these avoidable confusions even more likely. I don't know how to do it any other way. I make a point to acknowledge everyone's contribution, even as small as contributing refreshments after Worship. Those who provide spiritually deep vocal ministry are also appreciated. As Paul wrote, every part of the body of Christ is needed and performs a necessary role. Because we have no paid staff and no clergy, that analogy is even more prescient among us.

Me: I really had no intention of causing discomfort to anyone, and I'm sorry that I was taken that way. 

Elder: We recognize that. This is why we've learned that the best way to handle concerns like these is to take this particular approach. We don't want to seem like the Meeting police. I'm sure that you'll explain yourself well, and that we'll part at the end of the gathering with a satisfying resolution for everyone. As I said, we are concerned for you.

Me: I'm embarrassed, again. Thank you for approaching me in such a respectful way. Once everyone's perspective is laid out on the table, I know everything will be fine. This is such a simple solution. I don't know why some Meetings want to complicate the process. I look forward to the opportunity to address others at the gathering, and I know everyone will depart with additional insight. I'm frustrated with myself that I've let my illness get the best of me again, but I know that any person worth my time is capable and willing to see through it.

I was written off and cast aside as a problem. People made snap judgments about me without really bothering to see that of God in me. If individual concerns cannot be resolved person-to-person, it takes a loving hand like Healing and Reconciliation to let every party see eye to eye. I'm my own worst enemy and no one is harder on myself than I am.

Elder: Truthfully, Friend, I think you are being a little hard on yourself. You hold yourself to such an exacting standard and are easily frustrated when you prove yourself to be human.

Me: That is most certainly the case. In any case, I look forward to speaking to you again soon. Thanks for your time. 

_________

What follows is a comment left to the original post.

My meeting has chosen to develop a culture where issues are handled in the simple manner you express here, Kevin.  Since we have intentionally not appointed any named elders or ministers among us, the "eldering" method you outline is practiced by any one of us whenever we become privy to a situation within the meeting community that needs loving care.  The example you outline is really not a big deal.  The interaction you outline is so simple, organic, caring, and compassionate that a 'training class' is really not needed.  It's just a matter of cultivating a spiritual environment within the meeting where the best comes from all of us.  And this cultivation is always a work in progress that can't just be taught - because it is already within each of us; the manifestation of God within us is just waiting to be acknowledged.

We all go through times in our lives when we are not balanced or well both physically and emotionally.  Then there are other times when we might respond to another from a place of fear or ego, which is not in harmony with the loving Presence of the Spirit.  So, we may 'act out' towards others unknowingly. When we happen to become aware of the resulting pain of others, it is an act of love and caring to intervene out of love for both the persons pained and the spiritual community we are part of.

It is a blessing when we are part of a genuine spiritual community where each Friend lovingly holds up one another in the Light as part of our commitment to one another.  In my mind, it is a sad situation where a meeting must depend on appointed Elders to be the ones to address situations of hurt. 

Each one of us should hold ourselves responsible to care for our spiritual community in love.  I am grateful for the times a Friend in my meeting has had enough love for me to make me aware of pain I have caused others.  And I am grateful for the meeting environment where I have been led to know that I must approach another in love to let them know of pain they have caused another in our meeting.

We need spiritually intimate communities if we are to survive the pains of everyday life.