My last post to this site showed me in an angry, accusatory mode. It is not a role that I intend to repeat. I hope I will never feel as though I need to adopt it again. Now, two weeks later, I'm weary and tired. This process of constant scrutiny and periodic, fresh accusations of wrongdoing has worn me down. While I don't think that particular reaction and approach was intentional, it has nevertheless produced that effect in me. Like Chief Joseph, I will fight no more forever. 

The question I ask to my audience is a deceptively simple one. What does one do when one's Meeting will not enforce discipline directly? Part of what got me into trouble was frustration on my behalf. I had been told by three separate people of the hurtful behavior of someone else. Because I knew the Meeting would not intervene, nor would these people individually, I confronted this person directly. I regret that I went about it so forcefully, because the strategy totally backfired on me. If I'd known the response it would later create, I wouldn't have bothered. 

This Friend immediately went behind my back to report to the Meeting what I had done. She claimed now that she was afraid of me and didn't want to attend Meeting anymore if I was there. That was not my intention. I gather that Friends with whom I Worship would prefer an approach that wasn't confrontational, but discipline, real discipline, is the sign of every healthy Meeting. It bothers me that my side of the argument was not entertained, nor taken into account.

It took me sending a lengthy e-mail to the entire Healing and Reconciliation committee to tell my side of the story. I can only hope that it was taken seriously. I had no clear path, nor stated means of response. I spoke to shadowy figures that rarely made themselves known to me. I had to improvise and guess as to what the committee wanted of me. 

Every interpersonal problem ever reported about me has been isolated inside of a committee. Reaching a conclusion would be, as I said, a much better avenue, but this is not how they would prefer to handle the matter. This means that the combined concern has been hanging over my head for years, not weeks or months. I've vented whatever spleen and anger I had built up last time. Now I plead for a sensible method of resolution.

I've encountered a website that shares Fifteen Characteristics of Dysfunctional Churches. What follows pertains directly to me and others.

7) Triangulation Triangulation is using "go-betweens" to communicate indirectly with other parties. Results: Unsuspecting, but sympathetic message-bearers become entangled in an unwanted destructive web of blame, anger, and miscommunication. Result: They become uncomfortable with their roles and jump ship.

The man I mentioned in my earlier post of a couple weeks ago is serving this role. I hope he and the Meeting understand how easy it is to respond with fear, anger, blame, and miscommunication when this approach is taken. He means well, I believe, but this model is never going to be effective. I do not wish to pursue it henceforth.

Every Meeting has certain expectations of conduct. This Meeting doesn't want to even entertain the possibility of conflict or confrontation. I've been told that certain Friends have been too intimidated or afraid of conflict to approach me. This is very unfortunate. A couple of people who commented on my prior post suggested a much more fair approach that also happens to be Scripturally based. However, in this context, I do not get a voice in setting precedent. I cannot change the way things always have been.

Here's a second problem I see.

5) Repression Unspoken rules that it is not "Quakerly" to express feelings of disagreement, dissent, or anger. Instead, one must hide how one really feels or suffer censure for expression of emotions. Instead of expressing feelings, feelings must be hidden. Result: Repression ultimately must be released in episodes (or series of episodes) of uncontrollable anger and hostility.

This might be a bit extreme, but I get the point. It gives me no pleasure and much sadness to have been considered troublesome enough to merit years of observation by a committee. As I said before, I don't think my side of the issue has been entertained. That said, I admit my fault where fault is due. So I'm going to be very real with you. Because I was physically and sexually abused as a child, I am much more comfortable around women. Years ago, I approached several young women directly, usually via e-mail.

All of that led some to form erroneous conclusions around me. Some women are more comfortable around other women, for one. Before I went through several sessions of a specialized form of trauma therapy, known as EMDR, I reached out too frequently with personal details, usually to women, often to more or less complete strangers. In my own mind, every time I sent an e-mail or talked to them, I was momentarily dealing with pain. But every attempt at conversation only worked for a little while, which meant I reached out again a day or so later.

EMDR ended that problem, but it did not end the feelings of certain women who took my behavior as threatening. Because I was in a state of crisis during that time, I admit that I don't even remember what I said in those circumstances. I have asked for forgiveness, but have not been given the opportunity to confront those who were scared off because of my behavior. It is thought by the committee that they would not want to return for any reason, which is another decision that, while I might wish otherwise, I myself cannot make myself.

Not every person, male or female, that I confronted had an issue with me. Many tried to help. Many succeeded. Even if they saw my behavior as initially odd or eccentric, they did not find my behavior scary. I am thankful for their presence in my life. They sustained me until I could get the help I needed.

There is nothing quite as frustrating as being out of control and being taken totally out of context. Due to my bipolar disorder, I've had a series of severe manic episodes, most of which ended up getting me fired from several good jobs. One of them ended a promising romantic relationship before it even really got off of the ground. I know regret intimately, but I also know what it is like to feel totally powerless.

Many opinions about me have been formed over the years. I only wish I'd had the opportunity to add my own voice to whatever others already think about me. I do not believe my current behavior merits further monitoring by any committee. I have been told my the go-between that I am in trouble and that the committee feels that others need to be protected from me. I can only wish that this is merely his spin, his opinion of the matter.

This is the most painful conclusion I could ever envision in a Quaker context. I do not think I have been perceived, nor taken properly. I do not agree with their conclusion.

In writing this, I'm not out to win friends or allies. I'm merely setting out a situation before you. Make whatever decisions or conclusions you like from the information provided here. I think there's a much better way to resolve this concern. I've been kept constantly upset because this issue never ends. I get more bad news every so often, which only prolongs the problem. I've been under quite a bit of stress, and without resorting to hyperbole, it is taking its toll on my body and my brain.

I pray to put this aside once and for all. I have made my peace with those who would allow it. I have worked on myself as much as I can.  I have made apologies when necessary. Now it's time for the end game. Now it's time to move on to something much more productive.