QuakerQuaker

Primitive Christianity Revived, Again

Jesus Loves You! Not to be used as a flotation device

In an on-going series of Jesus Loves You Twitter/Facebook status updates, I thought it was time to compile the most recent offerings. I average about five of these per week, and get plenty of suggestions from folks. In this most current batch I drew on hymns and praise songs for some of my inspiration. You will also find me playing with various warnings and disclaimers and hear echos from current events including H1N1 flu pandemic and the economy.

Over at Facebook we have had long discussions about certiain ones. Sometimes people get tickled, offended or downright inspired. Some in the series are ironic, some silly, some serious. I will let you decide which is which. Have a read, and let me know which are your favorite. Hey, you can even add your own in the comments section! Wanna follow me on Twitter to get these as they happen? Check out my Twitter Page.

Jesus Loves You! Due to reports of widespread gagging, there is a massive recall for the wildly popular "Jesus Inaction Figure"
Jesus Loves You! Now in striking autumn hues suitable for a festive Thanksgiving display
Jesus Loves You! Not to be used as a flotation device. Some assembly required
Jesus Loves You! Child to a teen mother w/ an absent deadbeat dad, he was nearly born out of wedlock & relied on public assistance.
Jesus Loves You! "Higher, higher, higher, higher, higher, higher. Lift Jesus Higher." He gets high with a little help from his friends.
Jesus Loves You! But he can't afford the restaurants where you eat & feels uncomfortable with the dynamics when you always pay.
Jesus Loves You! Founder of one of the first GSAs (Gay Straight Alliance)! Creating safe space for outsiders since around 27 CE
Jesus Loves You! He calls your name of choice & uses the pronouns you prefer. He looks at the heart not a letter on your ID.
Jesus Loves You! "Leaning, leaning, safe & secure from all alarms..." except for flu pandemic, financial crisis, terrorism, termites...
Jesus Loves You! "Stand up, stand up for Jesus..." Now sit down for Christ's sake!
Jesus Loves You! "Oh for a thousand tongues to sing..." & to taste & to stick out at others & to...
Jesus Loves You! "There is a fountain filled with blood drawn from Emanuel's veins..." My personal Lord & bio hazard.
Jesus Loves You! "I will cling to the old rugged cross & exchange it one day for a crown." Also known as Religious Bipolar Disorder
Jesus Loves You! "There's not a friend like the lowly Jesus. No not one." Poor, sick, imprisoned--kinda needy, inconvenient.
Jesus Loves You! "A mighty fortress is our God" Add some throw pillows, window treatments, accent colors--turn your bulwark into a cozy den
Jesus Loves You! "Blessed assurance Jesus is mine." Mine, Mine! MINE!!!
Jesus Loves Me! My proof? I have free wifi access on my flight from Atlanta to Baltimore. So much better than peanuts. Where r the peanuts??
Jesus Loves You! He walks w/ me & he talks w/ me & he tells me I am his own--my personal Lord & Stalker.
Jesus Loves You! Now with salvation-packed crystals in the Communion cup--NEW cherry & lemon lime flavors!
Jesus Loves You! "Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the pew..." Nightmare on the Via Dolorosa coming to theaters soon.
Jesus Loves You! At times one feels compelled to love the Christ and hate the Christian.
Jesus Loves You! New Weight Loss Plan! Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. Trips to the altar? 175 (*while weeping)
Jesus Loves You! Paid for by the Save the Savior Counsel & authorized by the Citizens for an Idiot Free Religion .
Jesus Loves You! When ur down & troubled & u need some love & care, & nothing is going right, try NEW hypoallergenic, no-tears Jesus!
Jesus Loves You! "Recreations of his ministry, miracles & triumphs will move your spirit & emotions." (Jesus in Florida!) http://bit.ly/7wIj
Jesus Loves You! Flight Warning System detects failures and dangerous flight conditions. Consider emergency protocol escape sequence.
Jesus Loves You! Rest. Drink plenty of liquids. Avoid alcohol & tobacco. Take medication to relieve the symptoms. Cover your mouth & nose.
Jesus Loves You! Diving into unknown waters, simply, can be hazardous.
Jesus Loves You! All sermons r provided 4 information purposes only & do not constitute a legal contract between Jesus & any specific person
Jesus Loves You! Under no circumstances should these stunts be attempted by anyone other that an experienced stunt professional
Jesus Loves You! If ur really REALLY good, you might just get a bicycle in the after-life.
Jesus Loves You! Due to budget cuts, essential services will be drastically reduced.
Jesus Loves You! I hear his agent is in talks about a possible sequel.
Jesus Loves You! We regret to inform you that due to an overwhelming response, your item has been placed on back order.
Jesus Loves You! Makers of the original Apple now present the new all-knowing iGod--loaded w/ Holy Ghost apps & 3 day rechargeable battery.
Jesus Loves You! The Way, the Truth, and the Life. Ah, but can he tap dance?

0 members like this

Comment by Brent Bill on 11th mo. 5, 2009 at 8:38am: I love the hymn/gospel song follow ups. Reminds me of my youth group days when we would "In bed' to the title of every song -- "Great is Thy Faithfulness" in bed; "Just as I am" in bed; etc....

Comment by C. Wess Daniels on 11th mo. 5, 2009 at 2:22pm: Brent, I think you just ruined some hymns for me, thanks! We used to sing the chorus, "Thanks be to God (who leads us in triumph, thanks be to God whose got the victory)," as "Thanks pizza guy."

Comment by Helen W. Mallon on 11th mo. 6, 2009 at 3:32pm: HILARIOUS!!!! Thank you. Do you know 'Amazing Grace' works well to the theme song from Gilligan's Island?

Comment

You need to be a member of QuakerQuaker to add comments!

Join QuakerQuaker

RSS

Welcome to
QuakerQuaker

Sign Up
or Sign In

Or sign in with:

Support Us

Did you know that QuakerQuaker is 100% reader supported? Our costs run to about $50/month. If you think this kind of outreach and conversation is important, please support it with a monthly subscription or one-time gift.