... listening in prayer is necessary as you learn how to see, test, taste, and value your ministry—the nature of the gift, and of your stewardship of it. You should seek to be able to pray honestly about your service, and expect to be shown what is missing, what is worth preserving, and what is to be rejected. As ever, the first motion is to wait until you can feel the cool, quiet, strong flow of light and love. … —Brian Drayton. On Living with a Concern for Gospel Ministry, 2006, 63-64.

The quote above comes from readings for the retreat, November 4-6th in Seabeck, WA
Inner Fire: Prayer to Kindle, Illuminate or Renew Your Service
$255-285 (registration discount extended, +$25 after October 16)
DETAILS & REGISTRATION HERE

Reflection:

     With Drayton, I honor Quaker wisdom on listening inwardly to God before, during and following acts of service to others. There’s a concreteness to his words. What if the gift of God seeking expression through me had substance that I could see or taste? As I welcome what God is trying to bring into the world through me, I learn its shape, how it fits with my inner furniture. Maybe the Spirit requires me to clear out some internal clutter. Or I could say I begin to recognize the flavor of the gift in contrast to the other ingredients in my inner stew. The “gift” is part of me, yet distinct and discernable.

     This answers a naïve notion of my youth that if I were only faithful, all the inner workings of my human psyche would be of equal value and God-given beauty. Some of my inner workings hinder the work of grace, the work of Life within and around me. Mulling the metaphor of an inner stew, I recall Ebenezer Scrooge’s response to Marley’s ghost, “You may be an undigested bit of beef.” I smile as I reflect on how to discern indigestion from a holy prodding to action. Some people are quicker than I to recognize the subtleties.

     Where does testing and evaluation of my service begin? With my own self-congratulation or criticism? Or with the boundless care and hope of God for me in this work? In more traditional language, I might say each of us maps our own inner shift between self/ego-orientation and a God-orientation.  With practice, I’m better able to notice the experiential differences. Evaluation from a self- serving or self-destructive stance leaves me feeling either elated or horrible. A God-centered perspective unfolds with more balance, generosity and open-heartedness. I find real need to “wait,” as Drayton advises, until I feel the inward shift, or my evaluation will be less than helpful to the ministry. Waiting means sitting quietly, sinking into inward silence below or beyond thoughts, and touching the ground of Divine regard for me. First, I remember the Love.

     Quakers offer individual and communal processes that help liberate that of God seeking expression in the world. Honest personal reflection about our actions begins with an orientation to listening carefully. Here are some of the questions I ask myself with God: When did I sense an inward nudge to speak? How did I feel before, during and after this work? Was I faithful? How do I know? Then I wait quietly. As thoughts rise up, I pay attention, especially to the unexpected ideas or odd images. I can better care for (“steward”) my growing awareness of the marvelous gift within when I meet with a clearness committee, a ministry support/anchor committee or an elder about my service.

     I am deeply grateful to the example and writings of Quakers through the centuries that help guide me along the Way.