I live in the world of feelings; it’s a large part of who I am and have always been. Of course, there have been periods where I ignored or was unaware of them. I am an INFJ [introvert, intuitive, feeling, judging] on the Myer-Briggs spectrum, which I discovered a long time ago, and am slowly navigating astrology and how my moon in Pisces (watery, feeling, escapist, imaginative, dreamer) challenges my sun in Capricorn (grounded, plodding, determined, calculating).

And then there have been periods – rather long ones – where my feelings rule the roost. My physical and emotional feelings often intermingle and it’s hard to sort out one from the other. Living with chronic pain tends to do that. My moon dwells there at the same time my sun admonishes me to get moving and something accomplished. As a result, I often feel so pulled that I freeze. When I am not able physically to do what I want mentally, it’s way too easy to beat myself up.

I am, however, determined to stop this pattern. Simply being aware of it is huge. Accepting who I am, where I am, is, too.

I am in a place in life where I am re-examining and re-directing. My children are growing and becoming more independent. I have some more time and I see that, in a few years, I will want my own life when they leave the nest. So, in essence, I am creating a new identity. I wish to do so with awareness, discernment, courage and love.

For close to a year, I was on an amazing, swift and joyful path. Then, I hit a brick wall physically from which I am still recovering. This time, however, I had the wits to be present to what was happening instead of letting old patterns and repeated feelings take charge. It wasn’t my brilliance that opened this view, rather, the experience of another.

A few days ago, I read the account of a friend of a friend via facebook of her journey toward producing an independent film. I really don’t even know what Zoje’s physical challenges are, but I suspect they loom pretty large. Her words in a recent blog stunned me, forcing me to look in the mirror.

Zoje was writing about her experience at Independent Film Week in New York, when she speed-dated through one-on-one sessions with industry experts who could make her film happen. She approached it with no expectations and a Zen-like grace. Her description was alluring, but, one paragraph particularly moved me:

“How does she know?” I asked myself. I adore her new mantra and want to steal it:

I accept that my body is doing whatever it’s doing, but I am going to do what I want!

It’s acceptance, surrender, self-realization and being present all in one step. I am positive it has taken her each of those 29 years to arrive at this conclusion. I am so grateful that she did and has shared it. It helps me shave about 15 years off of my timeline to wisdom.

I also love how she ends her post:

I am reading a book outlining St. Ignatius Loyola’s examen, a regular time of reviewing your day in the presence of God. I suspect it will help me see the stopped frames. In that looking back, I desire to be more aware of God’s presence and my own resistance to surrender. I believe this is where my dreaming and moving forward meet; where my body and mind work together, not apart. Where I discover the presence of God right in my own life and where I marvel in the creation.

• How or where do I fight myself?

• What aids me in that awareness?

• How can I begin to stop the frames of life and enjoy the moments?

• How can that help me see God in my life?

• What difference will that create?

push and pull

dream and do

feel and think

til I reach

the breaking

point

that is

the REAL

reality

the breaking

point

for it’s

only then

I can

surrender

and accept

understanding

God is

with me,

Emanuel

* http://www.filmmakermagazine.com/news/2012/09/nuts-bolts-and-zen-in...

Listen to post:

http://www.turtleboxstories.com/audio/stoppedframes.mp3