QuakerQuaker

Primitive Christianity Revived, Again

Fragility and our spiritual growth

Friends - I am deliberately placing this discussion in the Plainness group as I have seen this theme come up over and over among those being led to Plain dress, but that is not how this issue first came into my life. I now see that the feeling a fragility may be a normal first step in spiritual awakening in whatever area of our lives that occurs. A year ago when I had a sudden and dramatic convincement experience there very quickly followed a feeling that my experience we tender and fragile and needed protection. This surprised me, as I simultaneously has an urge to tell everyone and share about it. But God continually pushed me back by uncomfortable feelings when I thought I should talk about it. I basically became a temporary recluse as God told me to stay home, keep it to yourself, give it time to ripen and develop within you first. I really had no choice but to obey as doing otherwise began to make me miserable. I told a family member that I felt I had a fragile life inside me that was not ready to be exposed to the light of day yet.

Part of this was that I could not listen to or read material that was either contrary to my new experience, or that had theological language in it that I already had "notions" about. This felt funny to me and I wondered if I was becoming rigid and unwilling to see the points of view of others. But now I see that God intended for me to live my own Truth first, and not be influenced or confused by the words or experiences of others too soon. Reading something that seemed to dismiss what I was experiencing would bring me to tears and make me feel like fleeing. I was told to carefully choose who I shared my experience with and to pretty much stay away from places where I might feel a tendency to intellectualize my experience, or to have to defend it, as these were not nourishing to growing into the experience itself. So I stayed home and read the Bible and sat in silent worship.

I was very encouraged to read that the Old Quakers had this same experience. George Fox left home and friends and deliberately wandered, staying no where long enough to build relationships. As he said he had a fear of engaging with other Christians in conversation for fear they would "draw him out" or as I read that that they would begin to challenge him when he was not yet ready to be challenged. John Woolman chose to stay home on his father's farm for years before he felt ready to even live in town. And he was still fearful when he finally did that. And other journals relate the same experience. This was reasssuring to me that I was not becoming a permanent weirdo.

Gradually this fragility abated as I grew into my experience and understanding. It is now so much abated that until yesterday I had completely forgotten about it when the discussion on plain clothing brought the memory to me afresh. My reason for writing this is to put out there the idea that this vulnerability is NORMAL and in fact a God given protection for us as we are just beginning to understand God's relationship to us in a living way. If we knew this perhaps we could give ourselves permission to withdraw without having to feel anger or rejection for the person or situation that has evoked the protective feeling.

I look forward to any similar experiences along these lines that others may have had.

In Christ's Love,

Barb

8 members like this

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Raye on 1st mo. 16, 2013 at 11:06am

There have been times when I have not wanted to be "out there." I once told a friend that I felt that I was not yet ready for prime time.

And that sense of needing time apart has happened to me more than once, usually right after some kinds of openings. It may be as simple as keeping something to myself for a while, or more public, such as a change in the company I keep.

After being lowered in a basket over a wall to escape trouble, Paul was off by himself for a period of time as well. Jesus' temptation in the wilderness, Elijah's escape and encounter with the still, small voice, all indicate that this is indeed a normal, healthy period of spiritual development.

I appreciate thy sharing of this experience and pray it will be helpful to others. I know it was helpful to me at this time.

Permalink Reply by Paula Deming on 1st mo. 16, 2013 at 11:57am

Thank you for sharing this, Barb. <3

Permalink Reply by Barbara Smith on 1st mo. 16, 2013 at 2:34pm

Raye - Did you see my friend request? I would like to correspond with you about OYM stuff.

Barb

Permalink Reply by Chris Beauchamp on 1st mo. 16, 2013 at 6:01pm

Greetings Barb:

Yes, when we are new to our path we're like a little seed growing into a sprout. We must protect ourselves against the weeds that would grow over us and destroy us. Much like those who don't understand us when we are not yet grounded in our new walk. It takes time to understand how to respond and how to be. . so we feel fragile. . but only until we really understand. Then we become total Rocks of Strength. . at least most of the time. Few could sway me now .. but in the early years I was batted about one way and then the next because I hadn't found my way quite yet.

I will share words that seem to fit this so beautifully, from my dear friend Vernon. . "Don't be afraid, therefore, to let go, to detach yourself from everything that you have considered right, wise, intelligent, bright, cheerful. Have no hesitation in making a fresh start right now. Just try to understand what it means to detach yourself from yourself. That effort is a prayer, a wish, a right start."

So you see we even have to detach ourselves from ourselves. . while we figure out who we really are. Its a wonderful journey. Now I choose carefully who I speak to. . though I feel most comfortable on this site. But on the outside, there are few I trust, sad to say. Even so-called Christian friends have hurt me in ways I never thought possible. The people I trusted the most hurt me the most. . so now I trust very few.. . .until I see where they truly are in their heart. Most are quite low.

Now I know I need not be challenged by anyone. . I live as I prefer. . and allow others to do the same. I further believe that the way I choose to live brings me more peace than it may bring to one who chooses to live a more conflicting lifestyle. . and they get to choose. But its a process and did not happen overnight for me.

I'm also so glad I have so many here to speak to that are seeking a higher level of living and being.

Permalink Reply by Zaley Warkentin on 1st mo. 17, 2013 at 12:42am

Thank you Barb, this is just what I needed to hear right now.

Permalink Reply by Barbara Smith on 1st mo. 17, 2013 at 8:03am

Nicholas - Thank you for your response. I am curious though where you got that quotation as it was not something I said.. and actually doesn't sound much like me as I'm not too concerned about building culture. I leave that up to God.But your insights are good for thought on the subject.

As far as clearness committees go though, I know now that part of what God is going in tugging at us the hold back, to solitude, is to strongly encourage, or should I say force, us to rely on HIM and not on other humans, no matter how sympathetic and well chosen they are. They are not God and we need desperately in our lives to learn to be alone with Him, to derive our answers from Him alone, to trust that He will give us answers, and most importantly to gain confidence and practice in deciphering those answers all by ourselves. I'm not saying it's not helpful to have friends who understand the need to take breaks. That is precious. But we truly walk through this world alone, scary though that may be, and our challenges are between us and world, on our own with God.

Barb

Permalink Reply by Barbara Smith on 1st mo. 17, 2013 at 8:46am

Nicholas - I understand and appreciate all you say. It confused me that you seemed to be quoting me. :) I fully agree with the need for community and having Friends support and reflection. I cherish that community greatly and feel so amazingly blessed to have Friends in my life.

Barb

Permalink Reply by Raye on 1st mo. 17, 2013 at 9:19am

Barb,

We are Quakerquaker friends, according to my list. (c:

Permalink Reply by Chris Beauchamp on 5th mo. 13, 2013 at 12:45pm

Bless your sweet heart Quaker Gregory .. glad you found meaning in my words. . and the silent spaces between them.

Quaker Gregory said:

returning here your words resonate deeply with my journey, truely the seed must fall into the ground and die to bear fruit. That's been my experience

RSS

Welcome to
QuakerQuaker

Sign Up
or Sign In

Or sign in with:

Support Us

Did you know that QuakerQuaker is 100% reader supported? Our costs run to about $50/month. If you think this kind of outreach and conversation is important, please support it with a monthly subscription or one-time gift.