A friend wrote and asked what I meant by the "tentacles" I sometimes feel when visiting a new place of worship such as a church. I just get a creepy vibe from some places but how can we avoid being cold without being creepy?

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There is nothing wrong with honestly expressing a desire for someone to stay, or a sadness they wouldn't come back. I recall I went once to the Congregationalist church in Evanston, IL on Hinman and Lake. They mentioned during the sermon that they were broke and if things kept up like this, would have to close within the next few years. Their members were dying, Congregationalism was also not attracting new families in the area. Their building is beautiful and also had some obvious and expensive-looking repairs needed.

They were hardly subtle about any of that. Yet I have to say I couldn't say I felt a tentacle. I just felt an honest desire to be a part of their community. True, I was concerned about eventually feeling obligated to help them if I joined, just because their needs were so extreme, but they could have alleviated those with a few words. They didn't, but that didn't become a tentacle.

It was the same when I first visited Evanston Friend's Meeting. A lady said to me "I hope to see you again" and she just simply really meant it. All of that is fine. Nobody wants to join a community that doesn't need them at all. It's that vulnerability that makes a community worth joining--that's precisely what gives meaning to talent and passion. A church is cold if it expresses no need or vulnerability at all.

It does become a tentacle when there's a sense of righteousness attached to the vulnerability. That turns into sheer arrogance if there's no vulnerability. There's a tentacle when I have the sense that people want me to join but want to pretend like they don't care, a sort of feigned indifference. It's a tentacle when there's a particular interest in me because I'm young (as opposed to seeing my humanity). I can only assume black people get that a lot, potentially from me sometimes, because it is totally a weird kind of badge of honor to have an integrated church. We pride ourselves on diversity yet tentacle away the minorities. Anyway, same thing because I'm young. Sometimes the words "fresh blooooood" seem to best describe the vampire-like response I have generated in some quarters.