Hello Friends,

It's been an interesting few weeks to say the least.

First off, I found out on the 1st of the month that I am pregnant. Don't tell ok? He,he! My dear husband is quite concerned and want's to keep things under wraps until we hit the three month mark. For reasons I'll go over shortly I feel the need to tell, I need community support in this.

This is my second pregnancy. My first was in August of 2009. I carried to 13 weeks but when the midwives checked for the heartbeat none could be found. The initial course of action was to remain calm and go for an emergency ultrasound. It's not uncommon for there to be issues hearing a heartbeat at 13 weeks, especially in first pregnancies. So we went for the ultrasound the next day, my Sister-In-Law came along with my husband. She was pregnant at the time with her first baby, my nephew who is alive and well. The tech, who wasn't allowed to share her discoveries by law, told me that the baby was small and that "next time" my husband could come in and see the ultrasound. We found out a few days later that the baby had indeed passed away. Had died around 8 weeks, but for reasons unknown did not "abort". It's called a "missed miscarriage". That was November 10th or 2009. The next day was Remembrance day which I found quite fitting. So we had to wait until the 12th to go to the hospital. The folks at the Womens Centre were wonderful.

The nurse who spoke with us was almost crying herself. I had the option of waiting for it to pass on it's own (which could take weeks), taking a pill at home that would start the process, or I could have a D&C done. The thought of waiting with this poor dead child inside me, or of having to pass the little fellow into the toilet (he was about 2-3 inches long at this point) was horrifying to me. Sometimes I wish I had done it at home. Then I could have buried the little guy. Either way, what is done is done. So I opted for the D&C. We were lucky to get an appointment in the abortion clinic upstairs a few hours later. I made sure they gave me some drugs to mellow me out. Even though I knew it was necesary the urge to run screaming was strong and since my husband wasn't allowed into the back of the clinic (they had had issues with violence in the past, so no men allowed), I knew I would need something to stop my flight. Before we went up to the clinic the doctor in the Womens Centre gave us one more ultrasound just to double check, and to give my husband the chance to see the little one.

Broke my heart that the first time he got to see the baby was when it was dead. Either way, the D&C went fine. Made the mistake of finding out exactly what a D&C was a few months later. Still wish I hadn't. So after almost 2 years we are pregnant again. In the years between now and then I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and fibromyalgia (on top of the Rheumatoid Arthritis I was diagnosed with at 21). I almost gave myself a nervous breakdown by not dealing with the tragic loss of that first little one. I also became clean and sober in this time. It's been almost a year and a half of sobriety, and almost 6 months of being clean (I had been smoking large quantities of marijuana in an attempt to self medicate my chronic pain).

So getting pregnant is amazing and terrifying all at the same time.

I had been working full time up until last week. My boss had a fit when I told her I was pregnant. And that combined with the verbal and mental abuse she'd been doling out on me for the past three months I quit. This child and my health are much more important than a paycheque. This has also stressed out my poor husband, he has a bit of a money complex, where I was raised with the idea that between God and your family you will always have everything that you NEED, not necessarily what you want or think you need.

So yeah, thanks folks for listening. I just needed to share before I went a little bonkers. And advice on prayers, devotionals, etc. for pregnancy in the Quaker tradition would also be lovely.

Now I must go, my first niece is on her way as we speak. Will be leaving for the hospital shortly.

Love and Light.